Basic Courtesy

The following story is to illustrate the discussion:

Once, there were four good friends Andrew, James, Jesse and Yvonne.
One night, they went out for supper at Restoran Persanjung.
James drove there while the other three so happen
to be somewhere nearby so they walked to Persanjung.

Late night, after supper, everyone had a great time chit-chatting and fellowship.
Since they were really good friends and James was the only that drove to Persanjung,
James volunteer to drive everyone back home.
Andrew sat in front while Jesse and Yvonne sat behind.
Andrew’s house is the nearest.
Soon, they reached Andrew’s house and Andrew got down.

Ok, let us recall, Andrew is sitting at the front seat,
just beside the driver.
Jesse and Yvonne are sitting at the back seat.
Ok, let’s continue on with the story…

Almost immediately after Andrew got down,
Yvonne will get down and sit in front.

Ok, let us imagine,
Yvonne, who was sitting behind,
got down the car,
walk to the front,
and once again sit down,
now at the front seat.

Have you encounter such situations before?
What is your answer if I were to ask you why Yvonne (or you) did that?
.
.
.
.
.
.

If anyone was to ask Yvonne why did she get down the car and sat in front,
she’ll answer,"because it’s basic courtesy mar~ 礼貌嘛~"
or "because it’s not too good to make James looks like as if he’s the driver (or ahmat)"

Let’s deal with the first answer "because it’s basic courtesy mar~ 礼貌嘛~"
I’m not satisfied with the answer and
I understand that the whole concept of basic courtesy (礼貌) is very much Confucian（儒家思想）.   
"because it’s basic courtesy mar~ 礼貌嘛~" essentially means "this is essentially social norm mar"

I’m not at all against the action itself, or even Confucian principles,
what I’m concern is the real purpose, the inner intention of the person doing it.
and the over usage of "because it’s basic courtesy" to explain a lot of social norm actions.

Back to the "sitting in front" incident,
what are the intentions of a person wanting to get down the car from the back seat just to sit in front?
Is he/she just adhering to what other people are doing, thus he/she does the same thing,
or did he/she really thought about it, knowing why he/she does it and thus take action?

now let’s deal with the second answer.
"because it’s not too good to make James looks like as if he’s the driver (or ahmat) mar"

I believe this answer started off long time ago, where usually drivers are "ahmats".
Of course, it is also based on the fact that car owners usually sit at the back seat.

I understand totally the Yvonne’s intention in not wanting to make James feel like as if he’s the driver (ahmat).
But the reality is,
JAMES is the DRIVER~!!
He’s driving Jesse and her back to their house~!!!!
He is the driver~!
JAMES is really the DRIVER~!!!

If James is to get angry just because Yvonne or Jesse didn’t sat in front after Andrew got down,
then James should really check his own intention in volunteering himself to drive all his friends home.
The reality is that James is really driving and driving people back to their house should be an act of service,
and it’s not something to be despise of.
It is a paradigm shift, why should a person’s feeling be affected by the social norm?
So what if a person is not doing what it is deem acceptable as basic courtesy, as social norm,
does it mean that the person is being rude or being disrespectful?

Finally, it all lies in a person’s intention.
Whether you do it because it’s a social norm, it’s basic courtesy, or because you don’t want to let your friend feel like as if he/she’s an ahmat, one should really think about it instead of following social norm blindly.

Purpose. Intention.

These are some question to ponder….

• Is doing what social deem as normal the way to learn "respect" or "consideration"?
• How do you cultivate the sense of "consideration" in a person?
• The inner intention, the purpose of doing it, what drives a person to do something?
• Are people who does courteous acts trying to please other people and trying to gain acceptance?

I want to hear your opinion, please leave your comments.

Disclaimer: All character names are fictional, created to illustrate what i’m trying to put across. Besides, I’m not despising any of the basic courtesy actions, in fact, these courteous acts are good acts, I’ll encourage it. But what I’m trying to emphasize is to have the intention set right instead of doing just because it’s a courteous act or social norm.

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